I’m now officially off work for at least two weeks, and honestly, I think it’s needed more than I realised.
I’d got myself into a bit of a doom loop, feeling guilty for being ill, worrying I was letting people down, dreading going back into the office… which then made my mental health worse, which then led to more absence. An ever-decreasing circle that just kept tightening.
So having that piece of paper, something that says “this is real, this is valid”, and being given the space to actually breathe for a bit… that’s a good thing. A necessary thing.
And interestingly, I’ve felt… good. At least for the last day or so. Lighter. It could be the increase in antidepressants, it could just be the relief of having permission to stop pushing, or a mix of both. Either way, I’m not going to overanalyse it and risk breaking whatever this is. I’ll take the win.
I had a day down in London yesterday collecting medication, seeing a consultant, all fairly routine stuff. Nothing exciting, but just getting out of the house, being in a different environment, moving through the world a bit… it helped.
And then, somewhere between trains and platforms, I had a slightly unexpected realisation.
I’ve always wondered why some men are constantly adjusting themselves in public especially getting off trains or buses. I used to assume all sorts… discomfort, bad habits, who knows. But now? I think I get it.
Having something a bit fuller, a bit more girthy, means it doesn’t just sit the same way it used to. It needs… repositioning. Subtle adjustments to keep things comfortable. And suddenly, all those little moments I’d noticed over the years make a bit more sense.
Let’s just say… I’ve developed a new awareness 😄
On the healing side, everything continues to move in the right direction. I did have a moment where I worried the filler would just disappear and I’d been taken for a ride but that’s clearly not the case. The swelling has fully gone now, and what’s left is the actual result starting to settle.
It’s softened, and I can tell it’s beginning to hydrate properly. The feel is changing becoming more natural, less like something “new” and more like it belongs.
And yeah… I won’t pretend I’m not looking forward to eventually letting someone else experience my monster too.
For now, though, it’s about recovery mentally and physically and not rushing either of them.
One step at a time. Still.
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