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The Thorn Bush, The Beacon, and Letting Life Happen
Somewhere between the nightmares, the strange dream worlds, the loneliness and the slow process of recovery, I’ve realised that what I’m looking for isn’t really change. It’s trust, friendship, connection, and permission to stop fighting myself quite so hard.
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Noticing Life: Finding Joy in Small Moments
Today felt a little different. I’ve only recently started getting back into the gym, and while my strength isn’t where it used to be, I’m enjoying the process. There’s something reassuring about focusing on the basics again: good form, completing the set, and accepting that progress takes time. One thing…
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On Honey Davenport: Leather, Community, and the Fear of Not Fitting In
As someone returning to the leather community after years away, the reaction to Honey Davenport winning IML has been both revealing and disheartening. This isn’t really about one person winning a title — it’s about who gets to belong, how narrowly we define “community,” and whether leather culture still has…
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Spoons Spoons Spoons!!!
Today’s blog is about spoons. Oh, and exhaustion, tiny moments of attraction, and learning that recovery isn’t just about pushing harder — sometimes it’s about learning how to rest without disappearing.
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Operation Restoration, not shock Not awe
This weekend didn’t magically heal me, but it did awaken something important: the realisation that underneath the fear, shame and isolation, there are still parts of me that want connection, pleasure, movement and life. Welcome to Operation Restoration.
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Progress Doesn’t Always Feel Like Victory
This weekend taught me something difficult: progress in trauma recovery rarely feels triumphant. Sometimes it just means surviving a little more life than your nervous system thought possible.
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Pride, Fear, and The Space Between
The last 24 hours at Pride forced me to confront something painful: I don’t lack desire for connection, pleasure, or queer joy. I lack the feeling of safety needed to reach for them without fear overwhelming everything first.
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Sweat, Safewords, and a bit of Self-Respect
Today was about boundaries in more ways than one: choosing safewords, returning to the gym, rediscovering old strength, and quietly standing up for myself when something made me uncomfortable instead of simply enduring it.
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Progress, Paranoia, and The Fear of Feeling Better
Today was objectively good: GP appointment, gym membership, a walk, progress. So why did my brain still insist everything was doomed to collapse again? Recovery is strange when your mind no longer trusts good days.
