Today’s been… a mix. On one side, my anxiety is absolutely kicking my arse. No clear trigger, just that underlying hum turned up to full volume. Everything feels a bit on edge, a bit too loud, a bit too much. I’m trying to manage it, but it’s definitely one of those days where it takes effort just to stay level.
And then there’s the other side of things — which is almost the complete opposite.
I’m sexually frustrated. 😈
Like, properly. To the point where, right now, if I could, I’d happily jump into bed with someone. Anyone. Which is slightly ironic given that I identify as asexual.
“But… you’re asexual?”
Yeah. It’s not quite as simple as people tend to think.
A heavily worn ace of spades playing card lies on a wooden surface.
Asexuality isn’t one fixed thing. It can be fluid, it can shift, and there are different experiences within it. For me, it’s never meant zero interest — it’s more that most of the time, it just isn’t there. I can go months without thinking about sex, without wanting it, without needing it. And then, occasionally, something flips.
And I think I know what’s flipped it this time.
I’ve been told — very clearly — no activity. No playing, no experimenting, no “just a little bit.” Nothing. For 4 weeks. And it turns out that being told you can’t do something is a very effective way of making you suddenly want to do exactly that.
It’s like the restriction overrides the baseline. The fact that it’s off-limits makes it front of mind in a way it normally just… isn’t.
I’ve realised the closest way to describe where I sit is somewhere in the gray-fray ace space. I’m not sex-averse — I can enjoy sex, and sometimes actively want it — but it’s inconsistent. Most of the time, the drive just isn’t there. And when I am with someone, that initial sexual energy tends to fade over time rather than build. It’s less about attraction disappearing completely, and more that it loses importance. So I sit in this middle ground: not fully asexual, not consistently sexual either. It comes and goes, and right now, it’s very much here — probably amplified by the fact I’ve been told I can’t do anything about it.
So here I am, slightly anxious, slightly wired, and very aware of a kind of pressure building that I can’t really do anything about right now.
Which probably means I need to approach this differently.
Instead of just sitting in it, I think this is an opportunity to make some new connections, maybe evolve a few friendships, and build something a bit more meaningful around it. Channel the energy somewhere useful rather than just letting it bounce around in my own head.
And then, when I am able to… well, I suspect there’ll be a bit of a release. Especially before round two.
For now, though — it’s a waiting game. Managing the anxiety, managing the frustration, and trying to stay grounded in the middle of both.
Not the easiest combination, but here we are.
One step at a time.
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