Pretty fucking low, that’s how low. I write this from the bottom of a monumental funk. My inner voice has been tormenting me all night after yesterday’s mess. Read all about it here
I am worthless, unable to do simple things ‘correctly’, a burden on the people around me, a big bag of rotting fat and flesh and decaying bones whose value is only that of the scrap value of titanium and cobalt stored away in my replacement hips.
I’m back to seeing little or no future for myself. I should know my place and just fade away. I feel utterly broken today.
I know much of this is the depression talking; it’s hard to keep fighting it. Depression has been part of me for decades now, and I no longer can see a future without it.
I shout into the void and expect something, someone, anyone to respond, how fucking stupid is that?
Oh, how I miss my Russ; I ache to see him again, to hold him, to hear him tell me what I need to hear, no matter how hard it may be, but for him also to be gentle and kind. He was amazing, truly the best, utterly the best human being ever.
While I am a wretched blob of failure, misery, fat and regret, I’m worth nothing and certainly not worth the effort anymore. My delusional attempts to get better and improve myself are a joke and how people must laugh at me.
Depression sucks, I suck, end of.
ᗷIOᑎIᑕᗷEᗩᖇᑌK 