ᗷIOᑎIᑕᗷEᗩᖇᑌK

Christmas days are often stressful, but it’s the day before my partner died 8 years ago, so it’s an emotional day for me.

It started with me realising I’d forgotten to take my antidepressants and blood pressure medication last night… which generally plays havoc with my mood.

After helping with the food prep yesterday, we only really had to pop the food in the oven to reheat or in the case of the meat to roast.

Midway through the morning my neice and her family decend upon us… my brother had bought my niece a car in readyness for her passing her driving test. I was expecting more emotion from her, but she seemed non-plussed. Sigh.

Dinner began, and my father turned his nose up at the sparkling wine I have bought, he had his own and didnt wanted to drink that. His face showed clearly his digust at having to try something alchohol free. He was genulinly ungreatful and lacking in support. Its not that I dont drink, but it mixes with my antidpressants and makes me feel awful.

Shortly after clearing away dinner, my folks then proceeded to list all the things I dont do ‘correctly’ including not using the coffee machine correctly, I can’t use the shower right, and a list of other items. Just what I needed for an emotionally difficult Christmas day. Nothing is ever good enough.

This lack of acceptance/tolerance from them is something I’ve struggled with my whole life, but today their conversation really hurt me. When I brought that up, all I got back was a laugh and to be told not to be so silly.

This has helped spur me onto getting out of here as soon as I can. I will start looking for a new job as soon as I feel able to get away from this toxicity. my brother or my neice could shit on the living room floor, spit in my face, and kill the dog, and I’d be told off for being upset and wanting to say something to them.

I came back here so that I could recover from a horrible year and get myself back on track. I now feel that this was a mistake, and I should have just given up and let the depression over.

Honestly, this world is shit… I can’t do anything correctly.